Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it