*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
You Might Also Like
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
mood
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.