[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Best mom ever 😂
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot