[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking