Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction