Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her