The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”