Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me