Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Xylophonist Shredding It
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.