Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
that de-escalated quickly
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.