I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Breaking news:
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.