Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Going into Monday like
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?