Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.