Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I hope it’s French Onion!
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.