Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5