bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on