“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Ferrari squats
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Shower sex be like:
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.