Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses