@kumailn: "Bikini faux pas: are you guilty?" As a guy, it's very hard to imagine the bullshit that women are bombarded with.
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@adamallday: I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.
@TheAlexNevil: I've made friends on Twitter I never would've met in real life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything less than $200.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle. Wife: How?! M: Just help me. W: Have you tried butter? M: It's delicious. Now will you help me?