People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”