5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
i did the math
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”