[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Geez man, take it easy.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.