Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out