Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️