I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
You Might Also Like
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Never ghost your hitman.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.