Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’m giving up for Lent.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that