Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.