I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
i was baptized in a car wash
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.