Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson