Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.