*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
me hooking up with my ex
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.