@tarashoe: birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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@Xoolun: My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday. Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn't what she had in mind.
@noimnotjewish: Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that "It's 4 am!" attitude, mmkay?
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Eats Her Feelings Julie'.
@novixv: [Plane starts to go down] *Frantically shoves an entire bag of Life Savers Gummies™ into my mouth*