birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I’m aging like a fine banana
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately