It has been 3 years since Monday.
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“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet