@behindyourback: Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let's do it/Let's make people super nervous anytime we're in their personal space
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@sweetandweak: Daughter just told me, "Dad, I don't make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches." One day her picture will be on money.
@PaperWash: [1st date] me: are you cold? date: *shivering* a little me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
@theshamingofjay: If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn't followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn't that bad.
@TheMongoose69: Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap.