*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”