Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Had to try this trend 😊
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.