Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Aight bet
Liquor Store Parking
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Wednesday
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.