“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
ugh not again
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
We’ve come full circle