*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Growing up was a huge mistake