“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry