any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I鈥檝e ever eaten.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how鈥檇 you like two of them?
I don鈥檛 need extravagant gifts for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 馃槀馃槀馃槀
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you鈥檒l be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.