@TheToddWilliams: Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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@onion_an: Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack Therapist: How do you feel now? Me: With my elbows
@TheReal_AndyMac: I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I'm 30 and should be at work.
@primawesome: Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.