Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit