@Kyle_Lippert: Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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@abbycohenwl: Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor? Doctor: It's a mango. A perfectly ripe mango Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
@angeliav68: The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights... I bet he's pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
@noog: Judge: Order in the court [from the back] Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with... [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?