@Kyle_Lippert: Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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@ElgatoEsmio: [holding an acorn] “do you still love me?” Wife yells outside- "that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!” "Shaddup you!"
@rockymomax: [having sex] Her: HARDER! ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers? Her: 44&66 HARDER!
@Fred_Delicious: [On date] Her - "so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?" Me - "Jurassic Park theme"