Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler