Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
You Might Also Like
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.