Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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Respect
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.