Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus