Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.