Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something