My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Don’t forget to tip your server
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.