Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
me adding lol on a serious message
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
wtf is a larm clock?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
ouch